Who Would Be the #1 Pick In The Earth Draft?

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Gary had the idea that before the apocalypse hits Earth, and the way the rock is going this might come into play, what one man and woman would the aliens take back to their planet to clone the human race with. A great hypothetical to have with your boys on the couch at 3am after a night out at the bars and waiting for the pizza or Chinese food. Let’s break down the picks.

Gary: Tom Brady & Natalie Portman

I couldn’t agree more that Tom Brady is probably the best decision here. One drop of his sperm probably goes for $1 billion on Amazon. When you think of America you think of Tom Brady. A winner, doesn’t crumble under pressure, impeccable jaw line, supermodel wife, and leader. There might not be a better answer. I know everyone has Tom Brady fatigue and just wants him to go away, but if he can perform this good in the NFL at 43 just imagine all that fucking he can do to to duplicate the human race before he start’s shooting blanks. We legitimately need him to be Diego the Tortoise who singlehandedly saved his species from extinction by having sex 800 different times. Just show Tom Brady a picture of this tortoise with Peyton Manning’s head and TB12 will triple Diego’s numbers just out of spite.

Not much went into Gary’s pick of Natalie Portman. He legitimately watched the scene of her and Mila Kunis in Black Swan back in the day (terrible movie btw that scared my dick at certain moments) and was like “yup, she’ll do.”

Natalie Portman though is a Harvard educated every girl. I don’t think Tom is the most inflated football in the equipment room so she can offset the intelligent side. I mean this is the same guy who probably had to get shot in the dick with penicillin every time he fucked Tara Reid for a couple of years.

Kyle: Adam Silver & Jessica Alba

Obviously this decision wasn’t made with the new human race winning any beauty competitions anytime soon. Adam Silver ain’t no prized pig and it might take Jessica Alba a little bit to get used to Adam Silver’s lizard tongue, but just put a bag over his head. Adam Silver strikes me as the guy that fucks through a hole in a sheet, lights off, and just soaks until climax. This was for the good of the human race though. Adam Silver looks like an alien.

As humans we’re inclined to interact and gravitate to someone easier who looks like us. Just ask every NFL owner who hired a new head coach this offseason. I’m assuming aliens are the exact same way. You want someone who’s going to bring the power of negotiation to the table and I figure negotiating with China is a lot like negotiating with aliens. You can’t understand them, they’re stubborn, really good with technology, and suck at basketball. Space Jam taught us that last one. Plus Jessica Alba is a billionaire. She can bring her non-chemical hippy products up to the planet and unleash a global empire while feeling good about herself. Every person in Hollywood’s dream.

KB: Joe Rogan & Leah Remini

I can’t argue the Joe Rogan pick at all. I know he tries to market himself as some “meathead who’s an idiot, but just curious” but you can’t deny he’s at least a little bit brilliant. I’m pretty sure he’s interviewed every key figure in every key industry in the world. He has downloaded more knowledge than Watson. Leah Remini though is the most batshit crazy pick I’ve ever heard for any scenario ever that I don’t think we allow KB back. Leah Remini doesn’t even care about Leah Remini. 90% of the people who are going to read this couldn’t pick Leah Remini out of a police lineup of 10 if you gave them 10 tries. I feel like KB’s been watching King of Queens marathons before bed and his sub-concious is just filled with dreams about Doug, Carey, and Arthur. I don’t know if he understands the followers of scientology aren’t actual scientists, but instead delusional actors who joined a cult for better roles in movies to help their career. Is KB a scientologist? Is Underground Sports just a shadow figure for a deeper underground state? Is he trying to brainwash all of the content creators in Philly in hopes they follow him as their Supreme Leader? I gotta keep an eye on this guy.

PJ: Adam Sandler & Rihanna

You could argue PJ having the best pick out of all of us in Adam Sandler. Just have Adam Sandler do his gibberish bit from Billy Madison and he’ll have the aliens eating right out of his hand.

Adam Sandler has tricked society into being allowed to play a mentally challenged character and never receiving backlash for it. You don’t think he can trick the aliens? It’s the greatest bit going! The guy is untouchable because he dresses like if every character he played was a real person.

Is Adam Sandler the greatest actor of our generation? The guy has tricked the entire universe into thinking he actually might be mentally handicapped. That has to be the only reason why he’s never gotten shit in the most sensitive time period on Earth.

Honorable Mentions: LeBron James, MJ, Putin all great picks. Honestly MJ is probably the biggest miss on our part.

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