People need to capitalize on making bold predictions more. No one’s doing that type of content! Since that’s the case I’m bringing it back. You can’t fucking make it in this city if you’re not fucking bold!
These are 100% Grade A Serious predictions that you cannot hold me accountable for at the end of the season. That’s how bold predictions work. You’re rewarded by how bold you were to say them. Don’t yell at me because you weren’t bold enough to make them yourself.
Daryl Morey tweets support for the Belarusian protests against Russia, angering noone but the CSKA Moscow basketball team.
This one is an absolute lock. Other than fleecing teams to take on mega contracts and a 1st rounder 10 years down the road there’s nothing Daryl loves more than riling up some international diplomacy. If you’ve been living under a rock the Belarus protests make Portland look like daycare. The scene in Portland looks like a Tuesday soccer game in Belarus. I mean this was a god damn fireworks show on the 4th of July.
But since the Russian contract with the NBA isn’t worth billions and Andrei Kirlienko is no longer in the league noone cares except the President of CSKA Moscow who challenges the Sixers to a game. The Sixers then win 200-18 and re-start the tensions of the Cold War.
Joel Embiid hits the over at 1.5 Hulu commercials this season
If you’re Hulu you have to maximize what you have and I don’t know how much longer Joel Embiid’s knees have in this league. Two commercials for the big man isn’t enough, Saquon Barkley’s knee is shredded, Dame time will expire, and you can’t put all your eggs in one basket when Baker Mayfield plays for the Browns. Three commercials minimum of Joel Embiid shooting fake money as he makes $1.5 million just for saying “Hulu has live sports.”
Sixers fans turn on Danny Green & he gets a death threat after missing an open corner 3 to win the game.
Listen you get death threats in a chill ass place like Los Angeles, you’re going to get death threats in Philly when it’s the middle of February, below freezing, and the Danny Green shooting troubles start. Just ride the wave Sixers fans. He’s one of the best 3&D guys in the league. He’s going to miss 17 straight corner 3’s at one point. This is what we signed up for. Just remember he got Al Horford and his albatross of a contract out of here before you hit send on that tweet.
CYO children in the suburbs of Philadelphia will move away from practicing 3 pointers to instead perfecting the floater because of Tyrese Maxey’s influence.
Steph Curry and 45 ft. 3’s are out. Tyrese Maxey and rainbow floaters that tickle the twine are in. There will be a cosmic shift in the universe as recruits in 2030 out of Philadelphia will have the greatest floaters in the country. Completely revolutionizing the way the game was played that all the analytics dorks shift their narrative to more 2’s and less 3’s because they’re a more efficient shot. The children at Mary Mother of the Redeemer (Archdiocesan Final Four 2007 basketball team 12th man baby!!!) are going to bring a tear to their coach’s eye from the abundance of fundamentals Tyrese Maxey is going to influence.
Matisse Thybulle panics and loses the cornrows and goes back to the fro
If the preseason is any indication it’s that Matisse Thybulle might be in for a long season. Doc Rivers likes guys who can play defense, but also guys that can successfully dribble 5x in a row without bouncing it off their ankle. Matisse faces the vitriol from the fans that he’s no longer the cute, cuddly, vlogging Rookie he used to be and now has to show his worth on the court. Noticing this his PR people make him lose the badass & rugged cornrows look for the baby fro people fell in love with. His play on the court never changes, but the abuse from the fans cools down until he tries a crossover in Game 7 of the NBA Finals under 2 minutes and completely misses his opposite hand as LeBron James takes it and dunks it from the 3pt line to put the Lakers up 7 and ice the series. Matisse Thybulle releases a video on his Youtube Channel to announce his retirement from basketball to become a full time vlogger and it’s still not the weirdest 1st round pick story the Sixers have had in the last 10 years.
The Sixers keep Ben Simmons and get James Harden because Tobias Harris sweetens the deal.
This one’s for me. If James Harden keeps launching balls at the head of undrafted rookies in practice then I think we might be able to swing a trade for him and keep Ben Simmons in the process. Tobias Harris once played well under Doc Rivers. Fuck it. Maybe he’ll play at an All-Star level this time around and he’ll be a little Splenda in the deal with a couple 1st’s that will convey when Baron Trump announces a run for President.
Anna Horford subtweets Philly by game #10 after Horford gets off to a hot start
This one is a guarantee. This game number might be to late in the season honestly. If Horford goes off for 27 & 12 one night because he’s playing with SGA and a couple guys who were scanning your tickets on the way in to the arena. Expect an Anna Horford tweet. She craves the attention so she can promote her shitty podcast.
I would have rather she gotten a lobotomy honestly.