Holy shit get a couple tabs of acid and park your ass on the couch January 10th! Throw on a little Dark Side of the Moon in reverse and become one with the atmosphere for the next three hours. Everyone’s live-streaming themselves watching games now and reacting. How electric would it be if we gave PJ two tabs deep and strapped him down on a couch in front of a camera and broadcast live to millions on Twitch? The whole world would have a front row seat to watch him cower in fear when he thinks slime is coming out of the TV trying to drown him after the first touchdown. If you’re not rooting for a Cleveland Browns home game after last night’s display you’re insane. Could you imagine being high and having to see these monsters on your TV every cutaway shot to the crowd?
Also, having the Browns first playoff game in 18 years be played on some gimmicky broadcast would be so Browns it hurts. Could you imagine some blue collar dock worker who just got off a 14 hour shift, smelling like Lake Erie, trying to find Nickelodeon on his TV guide? He knows four channels. ESPN, CBS, FOX, and MeTV because he loves the King of Queens re-runs when he can’t sleep at 2am. Remember when they introduced Thursday Night Football and it was exclusively on NFL Network? Try explaining there are more channels for football than CBS, FOX, and ESPN to your 45 year old dad. It ruined the family for weeks when my dad found out NFL Network wasn’t included in the package. Every child in the Delaware Valley was able to bury those memories deep down until Villanova played against a #16 seed that one year in March Madness on TruTV…
I’m indifferent on the booth they chose. Nate Burleson is great on GMFB and I like Ian Eagle so his son get’s a pass. How about the warrior spirit by Von Miller to come back from ACL surgery in two months to host the pregame show? You think he looked at Vic Fangio then looked at Drew Lock and agreed to do this before the season when Nickleodeon approached him? Von knew there was no chance they would make the playoffs. But Nickelodeon if you’re going to pull out all the big game graphics you need some big game voices and that’s where I come in.
John Madden/Pat Sumerall
Could you imagine the noises John Madden would make when he saw the slime coming out of a Baker Mayfield football? Pat Summerall is 5 Scotches deep throwing it over to Patrick & Spongebob to scream “Touchdown”. Just wishing he would’ve died in the war he fought in for this country so a couple Tik Tokers could do some dances in the end zone.
Summer Sanders/Dave Aizer
You can’t have slime and not have the Slime King & Queen. Figure It Out and Slime Time Live were appointment television for the children of the early 2000s. Not to mention all the horny dads in ’92 turned into the Summer Games to watch Sanders tear it apart in the 200m free.
Gus Johnson/Tony Romo
Give me 3 hours of these two fighting over who gets the last word in. The former CBS darling Gus Johnson in the same booth as the current CBS darling. Gus Johnson would bring his A Game to this call just to let Romo know he still couldn’t hold his jock strap. It’s malpractice that Gus Johnson is relegated to calling noon Big 12 Kansas vs. Kansas St. games and not March Madness, the Iron Bowl, or the 1pm NFL Sunday game on CBS. Gus Johnson has the most exciting voice in sports! Could you imagine the “AHHHHHHH!” from Gus after Derrick Henry lowers his shoulder and decapitates Andrew Sendejo on a 56 yard TD run? There’s blood shooting everywhere out of Sendejo’s neck, but the graphics department in the van are quick enough to make it look like green slime saving millions of kids from a life of therapy. That’s the fun the whole family can enjoy! Let Romo get in some of his calls where he predicts it’s a run on 2nd and 1 so everyone can slobber over him on Twitter and let’s get this booth going. Only problem is I’m pretty sure Jim Nantz wouldn’t ever allow this. Nantz is like the weird guy who runs over Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore. He definitely asks Romo out to a Red Lobster after every game because Nantz had it written into Romo’s contract it’s required they be friends.
Charlie & Dixie D’Amelio
Can the NFL afford the D’Amelio’s? They actually might be garnering Kardashian money at this point. Could you imagine watching these two break down a Cover 2 and why the safety missed his assignment while dancing to the Renegade? I wouldn’t be surprised if somehow the Raiders sneak in the playoffs and they take a hometown discount for the clout. Imagine the D’Amelios watching last night’s Browns/Ravens game and thinking there was a whole new market of people they can tap in to – ugly people. You think the D’Amelio girls have ever seen a person from Cleveland before? Could you imagine this guy subscribing to Charlie’s YouTube channel after being captivated by the D’Amelio’s Rockstar dance dubbed over a Baker Mayfield 70 yard strike to Donovan Peoples-Jones to go up 3 with under two minutes?
Dan Patrick/Keith Olberman
Kind of an out of left field one, but anyone who remembers these guys on ESPN knows this duo could call highlights of a colonoscopy and make it entertaining. I would even take curmudgeon Keith Olberman now and have everyman Dan Patrick just do the color. Could you imagine Keith raging against all the Nickelodeon gimmicks completely forgetting he’s getting paid millions by the same broadcast he’s yelling about? That’s what made Olberman so authentic though. Have Dan Patrick take some calls, but only from blue collar workers who are living in Tennessee or Cleveland so they can rail against the broadcast. Keith Olberman can do his “Worst Person in the World” segment at the end like it’s the Gruden Grinder, which will definitely be earmarked for Baker Mayfield.
There’s no doubt I’m watching this on January 10th. This is definitely getting nominated to the 2nd TV and depending on how Nickelodeon does it could be upgraded to #1 by the final.
That livestream PJ acid idea is A+ btw.