10:50pm: One day I’ll tell my kids about the time I lost Ravens -3 on Monday Night Football because Lamar Jackson had a bowl of chili before the game and got the shits at the beginning of the 4th quarter. Who would’ve thought Lamar Jackson wasn’t able to pass something efficiently. Diarrhea forced him to sit out two straight series and everything relied on Trace McSorley At the point Lamar went into take a Cleveland Steamer the Ravens were up 14 and controlling the game.
11:00pm – Trace McSorley with maybe the fastest 3 and out since Kyle Boller. Lamar Jackson is shown prairie dogging down the hallway to the locker room. I’m shocked we didn’t see him shit himself on live TV. Have you ever had to make sudden movement when you’re already prairie dogging? You’re using your brain and quick twitch muscles to their capacity to make it that last 10 feet. That wave for the equipment guy to get out of the way was all the physical strength Lamar had left.
11:05 – Baker Mayfield scores to go up 1. Fuck. Lamar Jackson.
Only saving grace is it is the Browns we’re talking about.
11:15 – The second series without Lamar Jackson starts and Lisa Salters says he has cramps. I’d respect this crew a lot more if they just told us the Immodium Lamar Jackson took hasn’t gone into effect yet.
11:21 – The Cleveland Browns turf just ate Trace McSorley’s knee.
BAH GAWD BUT WAIT THAT’S LAMAR JACKSON’S MUSIC!!! The Immodium has activated.
11:24pm – Steve Levy just compared Lamar Jackson’s return to Willis Reed. HE. HAS. DIARRHEA. Willis Reed’s leg was basically hanging off at a time where they still gave heroin to kids as cough syrup.
11:25pm – NOT EVEN LAMAR JACKSON OR HOLLYWOOD BROWN’S DROPS COULD FUCK THIS UP! WE’RE FUCKING BACK!! Dropping Deuces and dropping dimes.
11:26pm – Lamar Jackson converts the 2 (not a shit pun). 42-35 Ravens (-3) under 2 minutes.
11:31pm – The Ravens forgot to play defense. 42-42. This game is fucking awesome if you have the over!
11:39pm – This is setting up for a Justin Tucker missed field goal *reverse jinx* jinx
11:40pm – Justin Tucker nails it. A fucking push. Gross.
Also – this doesn’t look like cramps. The NFL needs to investigate Lamar Jackson immediately or the fix was in the whole time. Ravens (-3) 45-42
11:43pm – WHAT A COVER! WHAT AN ABSOLUTE COVER! SHADES OF OHIO STATE/NORTHWESTERN!!! THE BACKDOOR WON THIS GAME!
This guy just ruined his families Christmas with Browns +3
11:45pm – SVP couldn’t have welcomed us in any better. That’s gambling life baby.
11:55pm – Confirmed. Pants were pooped.
12:05am – Pants were definitely filled with poop.
12:12pm – Only if that movie was named Deep Impact.
Progressive needs to give Lamar Jackson a blank check to be in a commercial where Baker Venmos Lamar for the plumbing bill.
Man that was a roller coaster. Ann Frank, Vampire, and the Lamar Jackson Poop Game Diary. Classics.
P.S. Say a prayer for this guy before your head hits your pillow tonight.