PHILADELPHIA, PA – What if I told you the 4-7 Eagles still had the chance to make the playoffs? A team that went on a 5 game losing streak after starting 2-0, was clinging to life hooked up to a 3M multi-purpose full reusable respirator in the ICU, but somehow had a chance to make the playoffs. During meetings at the Nova Care complex rumors spread amongst the fanbase the team had started a mantra of “Team Destiny” internally. It felt like a battle cry that would turn the season around. Turns out Destiny was their favorite stripper at Club Risque on Wing Night Thursdays. Instead of following their intuition molded in them from an early age the Eagles were instead paying college tuition for Destiny.
Which makes sense after blowing out the San Francisco 49ers 31-0 like an old prospector in 1849 extinguishing a candle and getting himself into bed to escape into a dream filled wonder of gold and riches promised to him by newspapers that if he left his family behind in Toledo, OH and moved out to California he would leave with an abundance of riches that would make King Midas blush, the Eagles were murdered by Luke Kuechly and the Panthers in the rain.
The Eagles started down 28-0 and found themselves in more of a hole than Stanley Yelnats and Zero did in the critically acclaimed 2003 drama starring Shia LaBeouf and Sigourney Weaver when a bunch of yellow spotted lizards, the fictional reptiles who are both poisonous and dangerous who symbolize the ominous sense of death in already brutal desert like conditions, surround the boys as they find Kissing Kate Barlow’s treasure after 200 years of digging. Luke Kuechly plays the yellow spotted lizard in this scenario as he murdered everyone forcing three fumbles that the entire game plan shifted to the left side of the field because the Eagles coaches felt as threatened as a police officer having to wait 10 minutes for an English McMuffin at the McDonalds drive thru.
It didn’t help that Carson Wentz refused to escape out of the pocket as it closed in so much that sources are saying the Eagles front office went down to Marconi Plaza and put a couple of Gravy Seals through some drills because they know how to effectively protect a statue.
The entire game felt like watching “Two Girls One Cup” with your parents at a movie theatre on crystal clear HD and surround sound and then going out for ice cream.
The Ravens game was so un-fun it actually made me jealous I wasn’t a victim in an Atlanta nightclub altercation on January 31st, 2000.
And now the Eagles will have two more games with hopes to finish 7-9 on the season and salvage anything they can. Good news is rookie RB Earl Walker is the favorite to win Rookie of the Year, the Eagles have a younger team than a slumber party guest at Michael Jackson’s house, and three 1st round picks to play with in the offseason.
Though will Coach/GM Gary be here to oversee this offseason or will Jeffrey Lurie buy him a one-way ticket on Elon Musk’s Challenger II?
At least the Eagles passed their coronavirus tests with flying colors unlike some other playoff teams.