— kelly cohen (@ByKellyCohen) May 22, 2020
ESPN – We might be looking at the end of the high-five due to the coronavirus pandemic. The virus is mostly spread through respiratory droplets, either by breathing them into the lungs or by touching a surface that has droplets on it and then touching the face.
“When we talk about maximum transmission [of the coronavirus], the hands are the place where I focus on the most. When we talk about the high-five and also the handshake, this is almost the perfect pathogen to spread it,” Dr. Neel Gandhi, a professor of infectious diseases, epidemiology and global health at Emory University, told ESPN. When asked if the coronavirus will bring about the end of the high-five and handshake, Gandhi said probably. “Of all of the things we would say we would advise against, the high-five and the handshake are two in the current era, in the current pandemic, [that] we should not continue to use,” he said.
Shut up nerds. The high five is as American as apple pie and watching Band of Brothers Memorial Day Weekend. I refuse to let the high five die. Once Corona packs up her bags and heads back to that secret Chinese bio-dome lab, I’m high-fiving everyone. The high five is a universal sign of kinship and a way to tell someone I respect you as a man. You can’t just stop the high five. I don’t care if I have to live with the fear of COVID-38, a super strand of Corona, right around the corner. I’ll carry one of those personal Purell bottles on me and lube up after I slap some skin. Look at this doctor fail miserably coming up with other ways to incorporate happiness into a game instead of the high five.
“What I would suggest is we find creative ways to communicate the same thing — like an air high-five, ankle touch, do new dances. Communicate the same spirit and almost in a more entertaining way, at a distance,” Saag told ESPN.
Imagine Bryce Harper launching a walk off grand slam in the bottom of the 9th and the Phillies are doing ankle touches at home plate to celebrate. I’d rather them walk the bases doing the elephant walk like they were rushing for Kappa Epsilon then watch Bryce fly around the bases and not have the opportunity to get mobbed at home plate. There’s no chance Rhys Hoskins is touching his toes let alone his ankles. He just seems like the type of guy who has the flexibility of the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz.
Just think of all the variations of the high five. You have “The Classic” flesh meeting flesh for a sonic boom of emotion.
You have the brother of the high five which is “The Low Five”. A classic for dad jokers out there with “Give me some skin.” so little kids can wind up and slap the shit out of your hand.
Get low and add a nice degree of difficulty. Most common after a big home run or RBI to take the lead. Add in three straight low fives for extra sauce, but make sure you’re on the right page or you’re going to look like an idiot.
If you’re a douche bag you can mix in a pushup with your low five.
Then you can start navigating the advanced stages of the high five with the “Double High Five”. Typically reserved for game shows and when your NBA team goes on a run to start the 3rd quarter and the opposing team has to call a timeout. These come with a price if you’re unable to execute.
And if you want to get cocky to really bury your opponent no one’s coming back from double pound, double high five. At that point the other team should just pack up and go home because you’re basically facing off against Jordan and the ’93 Bulls at this point.
You can go double low. Look at Mikey selling it with the cocky face and flex post five. A veteran of the Double low.
With every high five comes a bit of caution. You have to be careful because as a white guy the hardest high five to master is the dap. It’s killed more white people than AR-15s. If you can master it you’re in a league of your own with the black community. You have gained their utmost respect. There’s nothing better than hitting an unsuspecting black friend or even their friends with a perfectly executed dap. For years the simple high five has short circuited our brains.
Every so often though a white guy, a leader of men, who wants to dole out a policy of high fives for everyone. Rich or poor. Black or white. Blue collar or white collar. He puts us back on the map. I didn’t know Bernie had this in him.
My favorite of all the variations of the high five? The dap into the hug combo shared precisely with your boys you haven’t seen for a long time. Nothing better starting that boys weekend down the shore and hitting your buddy with a nice dap into a bro hug combo before you’re about to crush some Corona’s the whole weekend. You might not see your best friend for months, but a simple dap to bro hug two piece feels like you never even left.
So don’t try to kill the high five ESPN. Be normal for me one time and laugh in the face of public opinion and go the other way on a take. The high five has been synonymous with too many events in our lives.
But while we’re waiting for Corona to be over give it some thought about the Flying Nut High Five. I think it has legs.