I fucking love this meathead walking into a Subway with his Rocket Launcher like he needed to take a break from shooting down helicopters in Call Of Duty for a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki $5 footlong. Imagine Bazooka Joe’s face when the cashier charged him $7.35 for the sandwich because it’s not the $5 footlong of the month and he realizes his brain couldn’t separate the concept of a commercial and a Subway jingle. You’d think a guy branded with an “Eagle Scout Dad” tattoo like he’s a Subaru Outback with “My kid is an Honor Student at Booker T. Washington” on the bumper would be sharper.
People who flaunt being an Eagle Scout is like Brazil telling everyone they’re the greatest soccer power in the world. If our best athletes focused on Soccer from the time they could walk until they could play professionally, we’d wipe the floor with Brazil. Just like if I wanted to be diddled by Ranger Rick on a camping trip when he suggested we play “Find the Worm” in his tent late at night or get beat up everyday in school, I would’ve joined the Boy Scouts. Also, didn’t the Boy Scouts go bankrupt? Imagine being mentioned in Chapter 11 bankruptcy court with Denny’s and wanting to be taken seriously. What do Boy Scouts and Denny’s waitresses have in common? Both let guys who enjoy playing golf on the weekends piss on them.
This guy on the other hand stole a machine gun right from a Black Hawk before he left the Army. Look at him just prancing around Raleigh carrying a gun that shoots 60 caliber bullets like it’s a suitcase. Maybe it would’ve been better if the Vietcong captured one more before the war ended. Instead this guys taking selfies with his Gunner like he’s about to send it off to prom.
And look at Jorgen Von Strangle mixed with Julian Assange ready to raise hell if he doesn’t get his Classic Tuna footlong. That gun doesn’t even look like it has a Muzzle to release a bullet. I feel like there’s a chance they gave Katy Perry a wooden dummy gun like in The Other Guys. Were the gloves really necessary to complete the look? You look like Sailor Moon’s lesbian cousin.
But the best of the best is the guy with the humongous pipe wrench. Did this guy miss the Facebook Group memo about bringing firearms?
I feel like he’s Bazooka Joe’s little brother and his mom made him bring him to the protest. He looks like he just got fired off the set of Armageddon as an oil fitter extra. There’s no doubt this guy rubbed up on somebody’s face on the bus with his sweaty belly button on his way over to the protest.