What’s up everyone. I’m Paddy Pongs obviously. Most importantly I’m here to win you some money in these tough times of gambling with no sports. No sports is fallacy perpetuated by Norm Chad and his ability to make everyone hate him. I’ve become the prophet of ping pong since the inception of COVID two months ago. I can’t get enough of those Russian livestreams inside the VFW. There’s no doubt a guy named Boris mainlining Stoli to his arteries at the bar right off camera.
The greatest part about Russian Ping Pong are the games that are 30 minutes back to back to back from 12pm to 5pm. Ample chances to win. Lose the Nooner? Regroup. Rub some dirt on it and get back out there because there’s a 12:30 that just started. It’s like March Madness accept without the sponsorships and I’m convinced the Moscow Liga Pro definitely just takes these guys out of the Gulag and murders the losers.
You can watch all livestreams of the game in the Fan Duel app. Still better production quality than NBC in the 90s. They at least have the score on the screen and it looks like they’re playing in a leftover FEMA tent from Fyre Fest.
All of these picks are FanDuel odds and from Moscow Liga Pro, the most prominent Ping Pong league in Russia.
12:00pm: Frolov, Alexander (-200) vs Andreev, Danila (+146)
First and foremost – Fuck Danila Andreev. I’ve believed in Andreev more than a Ruski citizen believes there’s a fair vote every four years for President of Russia. I will never choose Andreev. I don’t care if you’re paying a price with no return on Alexander Frolov. Money is green and I hope Andreev ends up “missing” for an extended period of time.
Pick: Frolov, Alexander (-200)
12:30pm: Rakhmanov, Viktor (-108) vs Khudaiberdiev, Zhasur (-126)
Rule 1 of Russian Ping Pong. Bet with your heart. Believe it or not there are know FantasyLabs for DFS or gambling picks made available in the US for Ping Pong. The heart wants what the heart wants and I want Viktor Rakhmanov. Also, if I can’t pronounce your name it’s an automatic DQ. How am I supposed to root for you when your full last name can’t even make it on the back of your shirt?
Rakhmanov is 5-11-1 all time against Zhasur. Not pretty, but in their last five matches he’s 2-3 and he’s the favorite. Vegas(?) The Kremlin(?) someone who handicapped this match knows you need to throw out the records when these two go at it.
Do you think Rakhmanov and his Drivers License head shot on the official site is going to let you down? Smirk of a barbarian. Lazy Eye of a killer.
Pick: Rakhmanov, Viktor (-108)
1pm: Nikiforov, Oleg (-110) vs Yanshaev, Alexey (-120)
Can’t trust a guy named Alexey. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. I told you it’s all about gut and instinct when you’re picking these. If you want to put your mortgage behind a guy named Alexey you be my guest, but I’m going to think less of you. I can’t get behind a guy that has so many different spellings of their names. He’s like the Sean of America. Figure it the fuck out Shawn’s.
Pick: Nikiforov, Oleg (-110)
2pm: Frolov, Alexander (-152) vs Khudaiberdiev, Zhasur (+114)
Spoiler Alert: A lot of favorites win in Russian ping pong. Like A LOT. It’s infuriating and provides 0 value. Since I went with two dogs in my last two picks I have to mix in a favorite. I know it’s not sexy and you’re spending a boatload to get some return, but I wouldn’t be a premier handicapper if I worked hard, but not smart. Everyone knows you need to let your money work while you’re sleeping if you want to be a millionaire.
No head shot? No problem. Frolov doesn’t have time for head shots when you’re practicing your backhand.
Pick: Frolov, Alexander (-152)