On the podcast (listen on Spotify or iTunes) this week we each built our perfect sports weekend using a snake draft since that bitch Corona took the greatest sports weekend of the universe, away from us. I’m going to build out my original Ultimate Sports Weekend because Gary took my Masters Sunday pick with the 3rd overall pick. Somehow I was an idiot to think it’d still be there when my pick came back around at #5. Live by the snake, die by the snake.
The rules are one event on Friday, two events on Saturday, and one Sunday to wrap everything up. Four events to rule them all. These can be experienced live or on your couch, but I’m choosing live. There’s nothing better than experiencing a big game live. Also, I’ve got a private jet cause I know someone’s going to be like, “Well how can you get to all these things in one weekend.” Boom. Problem solved.
Here’s my formula for deciding on each event:
- Beer. This is a no brainer. Sports with 0 beer in the stadium: Good. Sports with beer in the stadium: Immeasurable.
- Gambling. Watching your bets live as they unfold while living and dying through a close game is one of the most exhilarating feelings in the world. You ever feel exhausted after a game you watched? You know that’s when you’ve earned it.
- Crowd atmosphere. There needs to be a big game atmosphere. There’s nothing better then when you can feel the energy of a crowd ready to explode.
Friday 8pm – March Madness Final
I need to start with a game that is going to get the blood flowing and the NCAA championship game doesn’t ever disappoint. The NCAA Tournament is pound for pound the greatest sporting event from start to finish.
There are two reasons why I picked the NCAA Championship. One, I’ll never have to worry about Temple playing in it so I get to watch anxiety free. Two, this is my ultimate sports weekend so I’m giving myself good seats. You couldn’t pay me to go to a championship game at Jerry’s World and sit all the way up in the nosebleeds to watch a bunch of guys running around like ants.
I also need to get to a championship game ASAP before the NCAA is murdered by the the G League. In 20 years, Butler is going to be a 10x Champion because it’s just a bunch of farm boys with insane fundamentals. There’s going to be a bunch of Jimmy Chitwoods going 10/14 shooting elbow jumper set shots they learned on the dirt court.
The game is going to revert backwards to the days of Bob Cousy when people thought he was a witch because he could dribble with both hands.
Saturday 12pm – Daytona 500
I’ve never been to the Daytona 500. That doesn’t mean it’s not the correct pick. This is my appetizer before my main event. There’s no frills or a care in the world at Daytona. You’re there to wear some jean shorts and a cut-off Jeff Gordon tee. You’re grilling, bonging beers, probably shouting “Rubbins’ Racing” more than you can count, hanging out with the guys, and ready to watch the fastest cars in the world go left. NASCAR still has the greatest in game experience you can ask for as a fan. You’re 5 feet away from a car whizzing 200mph you can basically touch, sometimes some boobs (not the greatest sets all the time, but you can’t complain about boobs), and you’re allowed any amount of beer you can fit in a cooler of into the stadium. It’s the only place you can get rip roaringly drunk for $0 in a stadium. That’s a game changer. Crushing some Miller Lites is the only thing that’ll get me through the next four hours. Oh, and crowd atmosphere? Check.
Saturday 9pm – UFC TitleFight
I don’t want any UFC title fight in Vegas. I want a title fight from two fanbases that hate each other. Basically Ireland and whoever else. For this main event I’m choosing Ireland vs. Russia. Two countries that just breed absolute animals. The only way to defeat them is to kill them.
Like this guy.
Give me a more competitive McGregor vs. Khabib fight. Guinness vs. Stoli. Potatoes vs. Pierogis. Everyone’s testosterone is already at peak levels in their Tapout and Affliction gear and its going to boil to the top. I mean the last McGregor/Khabib fight had more action post-game then during the fight.
I want my blood to be pumping post match that it carries me for the rest of the night when I’m gambling in the casino.
Sunday – Masters
There’s no other sporting event better to attend on a Sunday. I don’t care if you’re arguing 1pm Football or even the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is packed with a bunch of people who got tickets because they worked for a sponsor of the NFL. Rarely is there an atmosphere quite like a Masters Sunday when it comes down to the wire. I went to Saturday’s round last year and everything’s as advertised on TV. Green grass and rolling hills as far as the eye can see, everyone’s like a little kid in a candy shop no matter their age, and you can get drunk and fed with no problem. $4 beers, $3.50 chicken caesar wraps, $1.50 oatmeal raisin cookies. I hated the pimento cheeses, but I think I had at least 5 wraps over the course of the day.
The atmosphere is unlike any. You start lining up at 7am and they open the gates at 8am and people are already buzzing. You get in there and immediately find a hole to plant your seat down and then just leave it there. That’s right. As long as you put your seat down people can sit in it, but it won’t be moved and you can grab it back anytime you want because your name is on it. I picked the 18th green and went to watch from the tee box on #4 because it was a Par 3 and the players have to wait for the group to finish in front of them before they can tee off, which offers some fan interaction or listening to them strategize with their caddy.
Once Tiger passed I went back to my seat on 18 and watched as everyone came up the fairway to finish their round. At that time Tiger was behind Tony Finau and on #13. Then you heard a roar in the distant. Boom, Tiger birdie. Two holes later another roar on #15. Roar again 10 minutes later. The people surrounding the 18th green are losing their minds. Now you’re not allowed to bring your phone in and the scoreboards are all manual. So you don’t know if that was a “Tiger” roar or someone “buried a nice shot from off the green” roar. I wish I could explain the feeling when you see Tiger’s score flip up and it shows he just gained another stroke. It’s one of the few places that you feel a sense of helplessness because you’re not immediately connected to what’s going on, but also a level of excitement because you’re living it in real time. When Tiger came up the 18th fairway you could see him trying to remain stoic, but a big smile finally broke through. Keep in mind this was Saturday. Multiply that by a billion on Sunday and that’s how you cap off the greatest sports weekend ever.