These two episodes were a wild ride! We had Dennis Rodman up and telling Michael Jordan he needed a vacation to clear his mind so he went to Las Vegas for 96 hours, double the originally allowed mandate of 48. Carmen Electra is still painting mid-90s on the black fastballs to go with her backdoor slider that will make your knees buckle. Phil Jackson is dropping acid and roaring like a lion while coaching Puerto Rican basketball. I wasn’t even around for The Bad Boy Pistons teams and I can’t fucking stand them. Bill Cartwright & Scott Burrell probably won’t watch another episode. And poor Doug Collins taking the Bulls to the Eastern Conference Finals and getting replaced by the guy they’ve been grooming right under your nose the whole time.
You can’t put a saddle on a mustang – Chuck Daly
Dennis Rodman’s Body Count
Dennis Rodman cleaned up a list of who’s who in 1990s. Imagine being Dennis Rodman at Southeast Oklahoma State in the middle of nowhere and 10 years later you’re fucking Madonna and Carmen Electra. That’s the American Dream this country was built on folks. That’s a true rags to riches story. It’s true chicks love a bad guy, and Dennis Rodman was the ultimate bad guy.
Vivica A. Fox
Men, in 2020 this is how we’re apologizing to everyone in our life we wrong. The girlfriend gets mad at you because you don’t flip the wash over to the dryer? You got an extra cigar? Turn in the budget numbers a week late and now your whole department is fucked for 2021? You got an extra cigar? Spread the coronavirus to your 86 year old grandmother because you refuse to social distance from your friends and it winds up being her demise? You got an extra cigar?
It’s going to be a simple 2020 gentlemen.
Spur of the moment vacations
Imagine the reaction nowadays if this happens. This is what the 90s or really pre-Internet era is all about. Dennis Rodman can leave for 4 days and Phil can just say he has tonsilitis while Dennis goes out to and parties his dick off with his Playboy model girlfriend.
I need the Vegas Vacation of Dennis Rodman as it’s own 2-part uncensored documentary on HBO. Kamikaze shots. Cocaine. Strippers. The works.
You can’t tell me there isn’t footage of this somewhere? The Bulls grant unprecedented access to this camera crew and not one of them goes out with The Worm to Vegas to film that debauchery? All we get is a camcorder video from 1997 of Dennis buying everyone beers. I need everyone who grew up during the 90s go in their closets and digitally re-produce all their camcorder videos. We need to take this into our own hands.
If you haven’t seen it before. Colin Hanks, son of Tom, directed an ESPN 30 for 30 short called The Amazing Adventures of Wally and the Worm which details how Phil Jackson hired an intern to babysit Rodman so that he would rehab during the 96-97 offseason. It has everything you want out of a Dennis Rodman Vegas experience. Right now that’s the closest we’re getting to the 98 Vegas vacation.
Btw there’s no chance Carmen Electra didn’t try to suck MJ’s dick. Can we be honest here? There’s a good chance MJ tagged Carmen Electra before his days were over. If you don’t think that’s true I’ve got beachfront property in Iowa I’d like to sell you. Carmen Electra was going toe to toe with Pam Anderson in the 90s for hottest chick. Did you see all that security detail he had? It looked like NSYNC going on tour. There’s no doubt MJ and his security could keep that on the low.
To be completely honest with you I didn’t know how cool Doug Collins was. Of course I remember Process-era Sixers Doug Collins who seemed more grandpa happy to be there, then fiery player’s coach. If Doug Collins tried to kiss Evan Turner more, maybe the Sixers would’ve won more than 45 games when he was there.
I was surprised to see how much MJ liked Doug and disliked Phil Jackson when he first started.
Btw – how did Right Guard not sponsor sweaty Doug Collins back in the day?
Carmen Electra casually letting everyone know that she does, in fact, still have, IT.
She honestly never lost it.
This Reporter who fired Doug Collins
You know this guy walked off set and Kirk Gibson fist pumped knowing he crushed that opening segway. Could you imagine being Doug Collins at that moment? What if that’s how he got the news he had been fired after taking his team to the ECF the year before? Doug’s putting on some Reebok swishy pants, ready to go on a morning run, and he has to hear from discount Dan Rather that he was let go and they were grooming his understudy to take over the whole time.
Puerto Rican Basketball Leagues
You think the Celtics/Lakers rivalry was nasty in the 80s? Pouring murdered chicken blood on the away team’s bench is one thing, but shooting a ref because you didn’t like a call is absolute bonkers. The fact that the mayor’s only punishment was he couldn’t go to home games anymore is outright lunacy. I can almost guarantee Phil Jackson’s team got every call from there on out when that ref officiated his games.
If Miller Lite is smart they release a campaign immediately, “Miller Lite: Official drink of the Bulls Dynasty.” You think MJ ran off of Gatorade? Fuck no. He ran off of Miller Lite and a ferocious will to win. Dennis Rodman alone was banging out a six pack after every game. What a move to blatantly drink a Miller Lite in front of a bunch of cops and then hop on your chopper to go get your Vegas Vacation started.
Could you imagine Draymond Green walking down the hallway giving an interview with a Miller Lite today? How fast could First Take make that into a story?
Bad Boy Pistons
The Pistons got absolutely dragged both of these episodes. I don’t think Bill Laimbeer ever scored a point in his whole career and somehow he’s in the Hall of Fame. The Bad Boy Pistons are the 2014-16 Seattle Seahawks on steroids. Just a bunch of dudes no one liked, but could back it up on the field. The best part about this is MJ kept Isaiah Thomas off of the 92 Dream Team because of this. MJ to this day still fucking can’t stand Isaiah for that.
And we’ve definitely got a new MJ meme for the foreseeable future.
Cavs Clock Operator
Before tonight I didn’t know there was just :03 seconds left on the clock when Jordan hit the game winner over Craig Ehlo. How about the clock operator falling asleep at the wheel? The fact MJ could take two dribbles from the wing to the foul line and hang in the air long enough to get a jumpshot off in 3 seconds is absurd. Of course they didn’t use decimals back then so it had to have been like 3.9 seconds left.
Some would say MJ owes his whole career to the clock operator in Cleveland. Without him that shot never goes and the Bulls are labeled as a team that can’t get over the hump. Would we really put it past David Stern to radio down to make sure the clock operator maybe hesitated a little on the start? This is the same guy that sent Patrick Ewing to New York with a frozen envelope.
The Cleveland clock operator when he got directions from David Stern to start the clock late.
How about the ricochet shot for Bill Cartwright? He probably texted his whole family to tune in to the documentary because their dad was going to be on it. Turns out he turned it off five minutes into episode 4 and remembered how much he hated playing with Michael Jordan.
Look at Bill Cartwright’s broke ass free throw shooting form. I don’t want Bill Cartwright to have the ball with 5 seconds left on the shot clock let alone have it in crunch time on the free throw line either.
P.S. I played one year of D3 College basketball (humblebrag city) and we ran the Triangle. I mean this. FUCK THE TRIANGLE! Do you know how infuriating the Triangle is? I totally agree with Michael Jordan. The only person who could stop Michael Jordan is Tex Winter.
Scott Burrell’s Anxiety
Imagine being Scott Burrell living with the anxiety that there’s footage of you out there of MJ calling you an alcoholic and basically sleeping with every woman in every city. You know that tape is bound to be released one day, but you have no idea when it will be. You know Scott Burrell had to sit his wife down and go over everything before this documentary aired just in case this video surfaced.