My House Got Egged This Weekend

I have a particular set of skills…. I will find this person and I will get justice….

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This happened Friday night and I am finally ready to talk about it. Sometime after 10 pm someone maliciously attacked my home. I think I was targeted because no other house was hit. As of right now I have no leads but I have a few theories.

Lets start with where the Eggs came from:

1- Grocery Store – The PERP would have to wear a mask, inferring the PERP plays by the rules but, what we know is this guy is a chronic house egger (possible masturbator) so I don’t think the PERP went to the store and got a dozen pre-birds.

2- The lady that sells eggs down the street out of the cooler on the honor system. But no chance the egger has any honor if you egg homes. If you egg homes, you also rob road side egg operations. We found the source of the eggs.

Now that the actual eggs have been found I have 4 suspects…

1- My Wife….

This could be an inside job, the person you least suspect is who you should suspect the most. She is crafty and is on her phone an awful lot so I think she is working for the mob. (she is of Italian descent) The only reason I may give her a pass is that we sleep in the same bed (No big deal) and she did not wake me up getting out of bed.

2- Kyle

Look at that stupid face. He invites me to start an internet company with him, then green with jealous rage over my almost embarrassing amount of page views he comes to Jersey and eggs my house. The perfect crime…..

3- My Neighbor’s kid

Kids are jerks there I said it. So this leads me to believe that this kid is a rule breaker prob has a C average in school and listens to a lot of Slipknot. Plus the proximity to my home….. the only hole in this theory is the kid is actually an infant and can’t walk… and I don’t think she has the fine motor skills or the capital to throw and buy eggs respectively.

Now to our last suspect and most likely one.

4- Carole Baskin

We all know she killed her husband (allegedly) and I called her a bitch on the Internet so all the clues add up. I am surprised she reverted back to violence, I thought her nerd husband would just sue my face off.

Regardless the case remains open just like a certain murderer in Florida, but that is neither here nor there. I bought a security camera and am now addicted to justice…. I will find you.