From the cliff in South Africa to the Crib w/ @Ciara
— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) April 11, 2020
Ciara absolutely dominated this video! You know Russ was sitting in the background because he didn’t want to be shown up, but that’s what made it look 1000x worse. You can’t just be sitting in the background when your wife is cutting a rug. Russ looked like every guy who’s too shy at the club to ask a girl to dance. He’s posted up on the wall acting like he doesn’t care sipping $8 U-Call-It’s on special.
Listen, I’m not mad at Russ. All the Whites have been in Russell’s shoes. You get on the dance floor at a wedding and you’ve got two moves. The shimmy where you take your two arms, ball up some fists, raise them to about the top of the breast to shoulder high range, and shimmy left right, left right. It’s a classic! Get a couple more drinks in you, your legs loosen up like the Tin Man and you’re sliding your Alfani’s all over the joint. If you don’t knock it off you might fuck around and end up taking a bridesmaid home! No better feeling in the world when you’re that perfect amount of drunk and the you’re feeling yourself on the dance floor. Gotta believe that’s what Usher used to feel singing “Yeah!” at sold out shows.
I’m not going to bury Russ for this. I’m not going to say how this makes him more like an Uncle Russ. How his wife definitely forced him to do this and he gave in because he recently discovered sex and found out he’d like it. So he’d like to do the sex again at some point. I won’t point out that he looks like Lord Helmet from Spaceballs in his oversized parka.
I’m not going to do that. Because I know what it feels like when someone describes you as a spastic giraffe on the dance floor. It’d be rude of me to make fun of Russ during a pandemic.