Should I Buy This $700 Smoking Jacket With My Stimulus Check?

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*Man sold separately*


Ever since they passed the Coronavirus bill and I was promised a stimulus check I’ve been scouring the Internet for something to buy with it. Before you tell me that I should save it or maybe invest in some stocks take a step aside.  First, I’m pumping money back into the economy. Free money is meant to be spent, not hold onto for ‘long term growth’. Second, read a book. The stock market is the most volatile thing going right now. Nobody knows which way it’s going. And third, did you not see that smoking jacket above? It’s the ultimate form of aristocracy.

You walk into any dinner party and you’re immediately the guy everyone is talking about. You hear the whispers, “Did you see that guy in the chenille tapestry brocade pattern? Exquisite.”  “How many acres do you think his Tobacco plantation sits on?”  “Do you think he wears sheepskin condoms?”

How can you look at the shawl collar and not think, “I need this”? You can’t put a price on silk velvet. Mary would swaddle Jesus Christ in this smoking jacket.


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The greatest part is I still have money left over to complete my outfit. What would I do with the leftover $475 I’d have? Glad you asked. Well, first I’d buy a cane that turns into a sword. Why would I get a smoking jacket if I couldn’t also get a cane that turns in a sword? It’s like having a car without wheels.


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Look at this death device! My enemies will perish with my new cane. “Oh, what happened to David? I can’t find him.” DEAD! Fell over the balcony after I stabbed him. Murder comes with the cane and the cane comes with the smoking jacket. Then I take the murder weapon with me right out the front door. It’s a foolproof crime. I strolled in here looking like Bill the Butcher. What am I supposed to do not murder?


bill the butcher
After that, I’m going to upgrade my house and what house is complete without Bronzed Door Knocker Balls? I want my friends, family, and enemies to remember when they came over. And there’s nothing like remembering an experience quite like when you had to grab a handful of balls to announce you’ve arrived.


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Imagine coming to someone’s house and they have Bronze Door Knocker Balls. That’s the ultimate level of sophistication. You see bronze balls and you ultimately think what is his toilet made out of granite? You can’t get bronze balls anywhere outside of a Boca Raton retirement community full of nudists. You are going to appreciate my level of sophistication.

All in all I think this is EXACTLY what the government had in mind when they decided to give us this money.




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