eLast night I was sitting on the couch with a bag of Goldfish watching whatever I could find on TV, and before I knew it the whole bag was empty. One of these guys.
Just 7 oz. of Goldfish right to the face. Listen, that isn’t abnormal. You give me a bag of Goldfish it’s not coming back with any smiling crackers in it. I try not to buy the 30 oz boxes, which are one of the greatest inventions of the 21st century, because I’ll eat half before I even realize it. Goldfish are my favorite junk food. They’re the snack that smiles back as you beautifully murder them with your razor sharp teeth. It’s like the human form of the marine life food chain. Goldfish could go toe to toe with all the classic junk food. Smartfood, Ritz Bitz, Cheez-Its, and Oreos. All titans in their prime, but Goldfish will always be my guy. Love at first bite. It’s the best thing that Pepperidge Farm makes. If you say it’s Milano Cookies you might as well burn off your taste buds because you don’t deserve to have them. The Milano Cookie is the Peja Stojaković of cookies. One dimensional, vanilla, and European. Goldfish are like Gary Payton. Confident, cocky, and eyeballing everyone. Did you know only 40% of Goldfish are actually smiling?
Anyway – these are the top 5 greatest flavors of Goldfish ever.
5. White Cheddar
White Cheddar Goldfish are rare to find. They’re not in every grocery store like the classics. White Cheddar is the 4th round running back you draft hoping he’d be a suitable return guy or capable enough to spell your bell cow for a couple of plays. Instead he comes in and lights the world on fire. He can run and catch as well as block, and you control his rights at a discount for the whole rookie deal. The only reason why White Cheddar isn’t higher is because they have a shelf life similar to the NFL running back. White Cheddar is one of the few flavors that is actually tough to crush a whole bag. They flavor blast the fuck out of the White Cheddar so much you feel a callous forming on your tongue by the end. Pro tip: switch it up between the White Cheddar and Wild White Cheddar for full effect. Better yet buy both and just do a handful of each and mix them to counter the wild factor.
Alright, this is where I feel like people rebel and I start to lose my credibility, but hear me out. The Original Goldfish are multi-dimensional. Have a nice soup du jour planned for the family? Put some Original Goldfish in there as soup crackers. Run out of Ritz crackers for your breaded chicken? Crush up some Original Goldfish and sprinkle on top. Boom! No one notices. Add it to a Trail-Mix. Now you’ve got a festive treat for company. Original Goldfish is a five tool player and worthy of the #4 spot. And plus they are the original. They’re like Jerry Stiller and Ben Stiller. Jerry blazed his path in the comedy world with Seinfeld & King of Queens and then handed the baton to Ben who expanded on the legacy with Zoolander, Dodgeball, and Meet the Parents. There is no Cheddar Goldfish without Original paving the way.
The Pizza flavored Goldfish are good. There is no denying that, but where it loses points is that Pizza flavored Pringles absolutely bury it. You can’t lose out to a competing cracker that shares the same shelf as you in the Rite Aid. Also, I hate how they died the crackers red to give it off more of a pizza look. Just give me the Cheddar Goldfish cracker with some pizza seasoning on it and call it a day. The Pizza flavor comp is Tyler Hansborough. Elite in the amateur level, but when it comes to playing with the big boys the deficiencies are exposed. You respect the hustle and toughness the Pizza flavor brings, but you wish you would’ve chosen Jrue Holiday when it was sitting on the shelf available.
An absolute classic. No frills. It just get’s the job done no questions asked. If Pepperidge Farm is the Steelers then Cheddar Goldfish are the Steel Curtain. The Cheddar flavor built Pepperidge Farm into what it is today. It continues to be a model Goldfish flavor for not only other Pepperidge Farm products, but the gold standard other junk food brands hope to be one day. It’s longevity is the stuff up there with legends. It continues to make the correct moves, even in a re-building year. Nothing artificial about it. Real inside and out. Cheddar Goldfish are a staple of the snack game.
1. Xtra Cheddar
The GOAT of all Goldfish! Xtra Cheddar flavor blasted sends shockwaves through your body when you first eat it! It is absolutely impossible to have less than 10 in one sitting. If you let one touch your tastebuds there’s a 99% chance you find yourself taking multiple handfuls 15 minutes later and not realizing. You like Cheddar Goldfish? Boom! 2x the Cheddar right in your suckhole! This cracker is basically if Antoine Walker was able to find a second gear and reach his full potential instead of just shimmying all over the place after he went 2/7 from 3. This flavor should replace the Cheddar Goldfish on the shelves. It’s just that good!