I have scoured the internet for any photos of the inside of Derek Jeter’s fortress that Tom Brady will call home for the next two years. Nothing. Jeter basically has built his own bunker that is as impenetrable as Fort Knox. This place is the Area 51 of pussy. Everyone knows the stories of phones in baskets at the door and gift baskets on the way out after he’s consummated the relationship.
I don’t think enough people are talking about how fucking weird it is to that Tom Brady and his three kids and wife now live in Derek Jeter’s fuck shack. When they showed off the house did they just label each wing by where Jeter banged that girlfriend?
Like, oh here is the Mariah Carey wing of the house where Jeter bent her over a chair and made her hit a falsetto that had all the neighborhood dogs howling at the same time.
Is Ben Brady sleeping in the Jessica Alba wing of the house?
Imagine taking a blacklight to that carpet! Foreign substances you couldn’t even rub out with an industrial sized Shamwow. Ben Brady’s resting his head in the same place Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba herpes. Just dreaming about the next time he can kiss his father goodnight.
Brady and Gisele definitely sleep in the Minka Kelly suite. The biggest wing reserved for the biggest light in Jeter’s world. Everyone was pulling for those two to tie the knot. He was with Minka for three years. 3 years! That’s like having Tom Brady play 20+ years with one franchise. I will never recognize Hannah Davis as Jeter’s one true love. You don’t throw this trophy away. You just move it to another place in the house so when you stumble upon it, it reminds you of the good times.
The Jessica Biel and Adrianna Lima Line of Demarcation separates the kitchen and living room.
Jeter was only spotted with these two. Probably put on a movie with Biel after a nice time at the club and fucked her on the love seat. Lima is a Brazillian ROCKET! You don’t just put The Princess Bride on and make sweet love on the couch. You fuck her on your brand new granite countertop. Sex just flying every which way.
And how about Lima ending up with Marko Jaric from the Clippers. Jeter RUINED Lima. So much that she was thinking the star athlete isn’t worth it anymore. Let me get with the last pick in the 2000 NBA draft. That’s like choosing to eat at a Checkers with Five Guys next door.
If Brady didn’t have a hazmat team come in and clean this place with the strongest Chinese chemicals from Wuhan I need some answers. What’re the chances that Gisele and Jeter crossed paths before she met Tom? Jeter had an eye for minor league talent. He was finding the next Mark McGwire, Mike Trout, and Griffey before anyone else. He was on Scarjo when she was 19 years old! Minka Kelly before she stole everyone’s heart in Friday Night Lights. He’s the Mike Tomlin of evaluating talent and the Belichick of cutting ’em loose before they lose their fastball. Now every time Brady walks into the kitchen he sniffs stale sex air and plays it off as new house smell until his nose gets used to it. Instead, a bunch of sex particles are just floating around the heads of his wife and kids. If those walls could talk they’d wonder why they haven’t been cum on in 48 hours.
Enjoy the sex dungeon Tommy.